GarGoyle-Design

I try and do something nice and its FREE who can argue with that. My mom. Between my sister and I we are graduating this year and we will both only have our gowns together for three days. So makes for taking pics of both of us need to happen either Monday after rehearsal, Tuesday, or Wednesday before graduation. So I ask my friend who is willing to take family pics for us for free which day she is available because that makes a whole lot of sense right... She responds back with I am free on Monday or Wednesday. Then I turn to my mom, hey mom would you want to do pics Monday or Wednesday?

Have u ever had that parent that one day really likes ur teachers and then next day absolutely hates them? Well if u have that kind of parent than u get what im going through. On the other hand if u have never had that kind of parent than ur not missing out on anything. Having parents and teachers that one day r really great friends and then the next day absolutely dont ever want to speak ever again sucks. I can never have 1 parent teacher conference without my parents and my teachers saying something snarky to each other.

I apologize, because what I did, I did only to hurt you.

I wasn't attempting to heal the hurt I feel you caused me.
I wasn't trying to resolve the issues that I perceived.
I wasn't thinking about getting to a better place.
I wasn't worried about creating lasting peace.
I wasn't focused on reducing any suffering.
I wasn't making an effort to be a friend.
I wasn't intending to enlighten you.
I wasn't walking a happy path.

I was wrapped up in my own pain.

I thought by hurting you I would feel empowered and in control.
I hoped that if I hurt you my own pain would be lessened.

Yet another sleepless night, filled with anxiety dreams that made me wake up and check my phone for messages every 15 minutes. No messages. No hi, no fuck you, no nothing, just more anxiety. UGH!

Nothing quite like that feeling of wanting to help someone and wanting to understand their hurt and being completely shut out and shot down. Especially when they were the ones to throw it out there that things were sucking and then to vanish. I know it's there pain and I'm making it all about me... but I'm a jerk like that I guess. At least that's what I'm told repeatedly. Just a big fat fucking jerk for caring.

Just want one day of relaxation. ONE FREAKING DAY! One day of not having a headache. One day of not fighting. One day of not having a child do something idiotic. One day of not having to deal with anything but my own needs and maybe someone putting me first for a change. But noooooooo! I have work, I have kids to take care of, I have a wife camping, then camping again, then on a trip to Tennessee, then what? Everyone has their own shit and so there's no one I can rely on to talk to or help me through. I just have to suck it up and deal with being alone in this.

Think on this:

If today I avoid the axe, for fear of the blisters it will bring, then I will fail to cut down the tree that will build my house tomorrow.

This is what we do. This is what a lot of married couples do. We pick some line, some pain, some event that we want to avoid and we make that our focus. We avoid some line or some task that will bring us pain; for fear of the blisters.

In application development (aka programming) you have this construct called the Application Programming Interface (API). The API is simply a set of rules defining how to interact with the application in the way that gets the desired outcome. For instance, if I'm dealing with a financial application and I want to get the balance on an account the API might say to use the "getBalance" function. It might also say that in order to get the balance it needs an account number, as in "getBalance(111477)".

Yesterday was a good day. Today was a good day. Tomorrow is going to be shit (literally). Tomorrow is my cleansing day; The day before I go in for a colonoscopy... woohoo :( So I'll be at home with all kinds of disgusting things to drink and nothing substantial to eat and it will stink. But I will get to remember that the past two days have been good. I'll remember that things are getting better. I will remember that I'm on the road to a better, happier me.