GarGoyle-Design

My grandmother is in the hospital again. I love her and my grandfather furiously. I think about them daily. Yet at the same time I rarely call or make contact. Maybe a couple of times a year. It makes me feel like a hypocrite. Which makes it all the worse when one of them gets sick.

"There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't."

I live in a world all my own mixed with "conservative" and "liberal" beliefs. In 2000 I wanted McCain as President. I thought he was amazing, honest, and noble. When he lost and put his full support behind G.W. I was devastated. Over the last 8 years a much different McCain has appeared and one that I could not possibly support.

Ladies, have you ever found yourself making the following statements to a girlfriend, mother, sister, or mother-in-law in regards to your husband?

"Oh, My Johnnie just loves his video games."

"Yeah. Tim has a whole shelf full of toys."

"It's like they stop growing at 8."

"I think he relates to the kids more than me."

Have you ever said those things in front of your husband. Have you ever said those things in front of your husband at your friend/sister/mother/mother-in-law's?

His love was rapacious, eager, all consuming, everlasting and ever present. It loomed like death over a still living relationship, waiting for the right moment, that moment when it would show itself and spring into action, that moment when it would take her heart.

Of course, that was the last thing that he wanted his love to be; Some buzzard waiting in the lurch for just the right circumstance. No, he wanted his love to be inspirational, uplifting, engaging, and enticing. he wanted his love to be a soft ember warming her heart. He wanted his love to send a soft scent on the breeze that would draw his honey bee nearer, and then draw her back time and time again.

Imagine an article that tells you that "love isn't real". Suddenly you are faced with the very real fact that the smile you get when you see your kids playing in the yard or the butterflies you feel seeing that first love are merely a chemical reaction brought about by a particular stimuli. That same article explains how love is a result of evolution and that it may have helped our ancestors create tighter bonds in order to preserve the species through hard times like drought, famine, and flood.

Now substitute God for love. God is simply a chemical reaction deep inside the brain that every human feels in order to help them cope with something outside of their control (drought, famine, and flood.) Really? Could it be that simple?

These last few weeks have been hell. I was on vacation the last two weeks of December. The entire time I was sick (still am). Then the family got sick one by one. Then by the time I didn't feel sick something new came into the house and we all got sick again. I think this knocked me back into my original illness, bronchitis.

I've been worried sick about my grandmother because I knew she was already sick and then this stuff is going around. Then when I try to call she's not answering. Luckily I found out she's staying at my uncle Joey's apartment. She was a rail the last time I got to see her and with being sick I can imagine that she's bone thin now. I worry about her every day.

I'm not exactly sure how it works but I see it every day. Especially in my own life. I've worked my way up to a point where I should be successful and by most peoples interpretation I am that. Unfortunately the happiness factor is not there.

While I make a decent income, it's all gone the day it comes in. I have a nice house that is in various states of "project" work (shambles). I have two cars, both of which need over a thousand dollars worth of work. I have a tight-nit family that regularly fights and belittles one another. I put two hundred dollars into savings every pay day and the day after payday I put it into checking to pay bills (Target, Wal-Mart, Lowes, HomeDepot).

I've been reading a lot of... well... CRAP lately. Political crap, religious crap, atheist crap, scientologist crap. It's all crap.

I loved a particular quote I saw because of its shear hypocrisy:

"Religious people look upon non-believers with utter contempt, even if masked by a veil of patronizing benevolence. (..) An atheist's explanation for something will always be far more plausible than anything the religion-addled brain can come up with."

So decry the fact that SOME religious people look on atheists with contempt and then turn about and do the same thing that you despise. Great example of how good and noble and intelligent atheists can be. Wow, I should become an atheist, they sure are smart compared to us addle brain religious folk.

I have the worst time meeting people. I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with not really going anywhere. I said NOTHING... don't look behind that curtain. In order to meet people you have to go where people are. Not only that you have to go where people are and where people want to meet other people. Where is that? Bar? Boring! Church? Oh, I just don't know what to say...

I'm at a loss. I'm not a single and so all of those venues are out. I don't play WoW or Fantasy Football so those are out too. I haven't played DnD for 15 years now and even then I only did it because the company I kept.

I'd love to meet some people to talk about art, music, cooking, poetry, language, romance, books, good movies, etc. There has to be a club for that somewhere right? There are probably thousands. Newsgroups and chat rooms and message boards.

Today at work we got on the subject of touch and public displays of affection. People allow their own experience filters to define what is appropriate and innappropriate. This is one such case.

My personal feeling is that touch is a lost art here in the U.S. Very often you will see two people clumsily attempting to hug one another, one going for the handshake and another for the quick hug. Then once they are hugging there's a sense of urgency to break contact before it gets akward. Likewise, when sitting in a packed vehicle, people squeeze themselves in to a tight ball of flesh, attempting to touch the person next to them as little as possible.