GarGoyle-Design

Today should have been a great day. I should have had a better attitude. I should have been in the now. Instead my mind was with the world and not with my body. I saw the people looking at me and wondered what they thought. I heard it was raining and thought about whether it was raining at home. I looked at the paintings and thought about all the people who couldn't be there with me to enjoy it.

I feel like I'm in this donut hole where things aren't so bad for us that I can take advantage of any of the government programs for debt relief and things aren't so good that I can take advantage of refinancing and reducing our debt. At the same time we have a ton of things that need to get done, but can't because we don't have the money to do them.

Where's my positive mental attitude when I need it.

Ever have one of those arguments that you realize right away that despite the person saying "I want this to be a discussion" the truth is that they just want it their way. I just had one such argument. It sets the dynamic for the whole day in my household.

The pink lace bits of it tempt me
From the foot rest
Left behind as a reminder
Of a forlorn quest

Gone without a kiss
Or a come hither
It reminds me
Of what I miss thither

The ache of need
And want for comfort
Urgency of desire
And the force of effort

In its stead the pink lace bits
So temptingly near
Reminding and reminding
Of the words I won't hear

I'm finding the hardest thing about trying to make new friends is the act of being vulnerable. I refuse to try to sell someone a bill of goods that doesn't exist. Here I am, chubby, angry, geeky, romantic, obsessed, witty, belligerent, for all to see.

Oh man someone reading my blog lately might think there's a theme going on or something.

Anyway, I've been perusing the local craigslist personals lately and had some interesting conversations with new and old friends alike based on that. So it got me to thinking about relationships. In no small part because of my own personal struggles, but also because of the mounting number of people I see and hear from, that litter the forums and advice columns, and call in to advice lines and fill the pages of self-help books, all that are struggling along similar lines.

There once was a time in your life when you had options. You got to pick what clothes you wanted to wear, what time you went to bed, who you hung out with, who you brought home, which side of the bed you slept on, etc.,. Then you met someone special and you gave up some of those options for new options. New is good, options are good.

I've been reading a lot of personals lately, talking to people, hearing from friends and there's a consistent sort of melancholy in the stories I'm hearing. That melancholy is "the gap". Whether the relationships are new or old, happy or unhappy, there's usually some sort of discrepancy between what one partner wants and what the other is willing to give. This could be related to sex, home duties, areas of conversation, joint activities, etc.,.

I keep wondering how much farther we can compromise ourselves for safety. I'm not talking about safety from terrorists or safety from war. I'm talking about emotional safety.

We cocoon ourselves up in our little bubbles within bubbles within bubbles. Our SUV's carrying us to our suburbs and to our neatly separated homes where we carve out private spaces with 8 foot high fences and blackout blinds. We shield ourselves from physical contact and get grumpy when people come into our bubble, because that's "our bubble damn-it" and "oh how rude" and "personal space people!"

It was right then, as you stood ankle deep in the mud, your face freckled with red-brown dollops of it, radiant, beaming. It was right then that I new I loved you. When you hit me with the ball of mud you had gathered when I first pushed you down, that's the moment, right then, that I knew you loved me too.